From here on, I promise to grow more

Goodbyes are sad. But if it means growing, I think we shouldn’t be afraid to take the leap of faith. In my case, I finally decided to take mine. All my life I’ve been living with people I grew up comfortable with. I’ve been with people so close to my heart that leaving them feels wrong…but as I grew older, I realized it’s not. I’m grateful that I have them. I’m definitely glad that they are a part of who I am but I guess it’s time to grow—it’s time to grow some more. 

I’ve come to the point where I realized that I already reached full-growth in the four corners of the home I once lived in together with them. Those corners have already witnessed A LOT from me that I feel like it’s time to give another room a try. 

It’s time to live on my own and grow even more as I dive deeper to self-discovery. It’s time to learn things my way; to make bigger decisions and stand firm with it; to handle problems wiser. 

Whatever may happen during the process of this new journey, I’m certain that I will wholeheartedly take it all without a heavy heart. ‘Cause this is my choice. ‘Cause this is the path I will be leaning from now on.

I still don’t know what will happen from here. And yes, there is fear in the unknown. But what I am sure of is from here on, I’ll grow more. 

I guess goodbyes are really sad but there’s always something good in byes and for me it’s independence; it’s freedom; it’s growth. 

Always you, Ken

If you would ask me what my favorite art looked like
I would say it’s not perfect but it has the substance that’s just right
It’s not everyone’s cup of tea
But it’s something that amazes me.

My favorite art has fox-like eyes
It has that kind of stare that can melt an ice
I can see both danger and safety in those pair of eyes 
And I wouldn’t mind staring because seeing you is a prize.

My favorite art has this nose that I like 
It’s shaped so pointed that you just want to glide
It’s a feature you wouldn’t want to hide
Coz not everyone 

My favorite art has perfect lips
Every time it forms a smile I couldn’t help but simp
It has that effect that makes me weak
And how I wish to see it real in a blink

My favorite art has that natural shade of brown
It’s melanin is so evident and it’s screaming so loud
It’s like the color of the sky when the sun sets down
And I couldn’t help but wonder why it’s you I’m all about

My favorite art is you, Ken. 
It’s always you.
There are pieces of you they might not understand
But it’s those pieces that made me love you and beyond
You looked so simple but you can get through my soul
You have this tough aura but inside I know your soft
Your duality is crazy and it must be protected at all cost

And in a room full of art
My eyes may wander but I’d still look for you
And I’m sure I’ll see you
Coz you’ll stand out like you always do.

---

Happy birthday to my favorite art and my favorite rest. You don’t know how much you save me from bad days that’s why I thank God for your life 🥺 Up until now, it’s your genuine and pure heart that I admire the most. Thank you for being that blessing to other people’s lives. Thank you for existing. Stay unbothered. Stay eternal. Ily always, langga! 🖤🤟🏻

2021, you are not the best but thank you for letting me grow

2021 is not my best year but I am still grateful coz I got to discover a lot more about myself—that I am braver than I thought I am. It has been a draining year in all aspects but I got to survive it by trying my best to cope. There’s a lot of bending and breaking inside but I am glad I managed to bounce back and still chose happiness over and over. I’m proud of myself, really.

In 2021, I also learned fangirling lol. Though I started fangirling way back 2019, I feel like this year, I really delved deep into the rabbit hole that is SB19. I was so surprised I can fangirl that hard. Kaya ko pala yon haha. For awhile I found solace in fangirling. I felt happiness in collecting merches, watching virtual concerts, and meeting stans over the internet (and in person).

Seems cliché but I found a home in SB19 (and the famdom—A’Tin). I can definitely say that they are my rest from reality. There were some times in 2021 that I felt like I wanted to sulk. I was really mentally tired with work plus family problems can sometimes be so stressful that I just want to shut down from it. But everytime I wanted to cry, they were there to save me. Not to be overly dramatic but with them, I always find comfort and peace of mind. I guess that’s the magic and beauty of fangirling. And I’m glad I’ve got to experience it.

2021 also thought me to embrace the slow days more. To enjoy the ordinary days just laying in bed—doing nothing. To be contented with the company of myself. To be more patient in letting things be, and just be in the moment.

It has been a year filled with internal struggles but at the same time, a year full of growing and learning. So thank you for letting me grow, 2021! I promise to do more and be more this 2022. ✨

ikaw ay uniberso

Palagi kang magiging sobra para sa mga taong hindi kayang hawakan ka—hindi kayang tanggapin ka.

Pero hindi mo kailangan baguhin ang sarili mo para sa kanila

Hindi mo kailngan maging ibang tao para matanggap nila.

Hindi mo kailangang maging isang maliit na bituin sa uniberso kung ikaw mismo ang uniberso.

Yakapin mo ang sarili mo.

Tanggapin mo nang buo

Tandaan mo na hindi naman dahil sobra ka sa paningin ng iba ay sobra ka sa lahat

Nakakasilaw ka

Pero may mga taong handang titigan ka mula sa pagmulat ng kanilang mga mata sa umaga

Nakakapaso ka pero may mga taong handang hawakan ka at ikulong sa mga bisig nila

Kaya naman wala kang dapat gawin

Wala kang dapat ipilit o baguhin

Dahil palagi kang sasapat—hindi ka magiging sobra o magiging kulang man—sa taong alam kung paano ka ituring o mahalin nang tama

Darling, no
Your standards aren’t too high
You just happen to know your worth

~thoughts at 6:00 am

The truth about being hurt

When we are hurt, we tend to invalidate other person’s feelings. We feel like we are the only one entitled to get hurt. We forget that there are others who are also hurting because we are too busy loving the hurt we are feeling.

I Know You’re Scared But Don’t Be

I know you’re done.
I know you’re tired
of all the promises
that eventually been broken;
of all the words
that eventually became just words

I know you’ve grown tired of hearing people say
that they would never leave you,
that they would never hurt you
But end up doing both to you;
Leaving you with shattered pieces,
scarred memories,
and a scared heart that doesn’t want to trust anyone anymore.

I know you’re afraid to risk–
to gamble once again.
I know your faith in love
is something that will take time to regain
And I know it will be hard
It will never be easy to trust someone again
To let someone in again.
But until then,
love yourself
let go of the pain
and learn that love is a wonderful thing to have and to give.

Should I let you in?
Or should I keep my walls high?

Should I take risk?
Or should I just let it pass by?

Biglaan

May mga tao talagang kahit saglit mo pa lang nakilala
Ay para bang ayaw mo nang mawala.
Sila ‘yung hindi mo inasahan
‘Yung dumating nang bigla bigla na lang.
Sila ‘yung mga taong akala mo wala lang
Pero sila pa pala yung tatatak dito (isip).
At dito (puso)
Nang hindi mo namamalayan.

Ikaw. Isa ka sa mga hindi ko inakala
Isa ka sa mga hindi ko inasahan
Ikaw. Ikaw yung biglaan
Hindi ko alam kung bakit
Kasi parang wala namang dahilan
Hindi ko alam kung paano
Kasi kusa ko na lang naramdaman
At hindi ko alam kung kailan
Kasi paggising ko isang umaga
Parang, parang ayaw na lang kita pakalawan.

Hindi ko napansin
Wala kong kaalam-alam
Sarili kong puso ‘to pero hindi ko napigilan
Masyado kang mabilis
Masyado mong mabilis nabuksan ‘tong puso ko na sa simula pa lang,
Sarado na sa mga tulad mo.

Dumating ka.
Sa isang kisapmata.
Kasin bilis ng kidlat na dumaan sa aking mata, heto ka na
Parte ka na pala ng buhay ko
Masyado na pa lang malaki yung espasyong nasakop mo sa puso ko.

Ewan ko ba.
Kung bakit nung dumating ka
Parang pati tino ko nawala
Parang ang dali na lang kalimutan lahat ng pagkabigo bigla
Ang dali tumawa.
Ang dali maging masaya.

Siguro nga ganoon siguro talaga.
Hindi mo mapipili kung sinong darating para sayo
Hindi nasusukat sa ikli o haba ng panahon
Hindi sa kung gaano mo na katagal kakilala ang isang tao
Dahil kung mahuhulog ka, mahuhulog ka
At hindi mo pwedeng pigilan ‘to.

Is there really a way to ‘un-miss’ someone?

How can you not miss someone who was once a part of your everyday?

How can you not miss someone who gave you so much memories to reminisce?

How can you not miss someone who’s still so dear to you even if he doesn’t care anymore?